Don’t stick me with your labels.

Living a life under label is living with limitation.

Sure labels serve a purpose for identification but they are misused to divide, to isolate and to put us into boxes that make other people comfortable. Labels are used to prevent us from thinking. They stop us questioning beyond the superficial.

Labels are often by their very nature superficial – where you come from, what you look like, what you do. God forbid you should be a bit “out there” – we’ll just slap you with a label and it’s back into the box with you.

They are used to create elite minorities bloated on false praise and separated from the masses. There can be no questioning – labels are used to prevent it. Questioners are labeled racist, anti-semitic, or a bigot of any persuasion. Questions therefore shut down by labels.

Labels are truly dangerous ideas when implanted into susceptible minds. Children being labeled as problems needing medication. Children being labeled as hopeless and without value from their first footsteps. Yet we wonder why they grow up to participate in extreme risk taking behaviour with complete disregard for their own life or the life of others. Could it be we replaced hope with a label?

Labels stop us from thinking at every level, making labels the ultimate no brainers. Labels are the unthinking man’s tools to create a fragile, f^&*ed up future.

In my usual fashion I jumped in, said I’ll speak and thought about it later. I hadn’t been to the Soapbox competition, didn’t know what happened, what types of rants were delivered or any of the details.

After a bad week of grumpiness, in which I was challenged to stick to my new found confidence and boundaries in business and life, I was over it before it began. Despite the grumps I had trouble finding a rant – no trouble ranting – just finding a rant worthy of an audience eluded me.

That is why I pretty much chose to shoot myself in the foot. This is a competition where the winner addresses 1500 people from the stage of the Concert Hall that night – as part of the Festival of Dangerous Ideas.

I had difficulty rehearsing a rant – didn’t know how it ran so just went armed with an idea. There was a microphone but the details and explanations weren’t explained and it wasn’t adjusted for every competitor.

That is why I chose in my grumpiness protest to just speak rather than speak into the microphone. Suffice it to say I didn’t make it into the finals. I comforted myself however by having achieved my aim with a number of people in the audience coming to tell me how much they liked mine.

Oh how very populist of me to satisfy myself with my appeal to the audience but not playing by the rules.

A much cleverer protest rant would have been to step right up to that mic, offer a controversial and topical rant about the difficulty of meeting expectations when expectations aren’t explained etc etc and actually trying to win.

Instead my actions ensured I threw the contest. Whether my rant was good enough to go through if I’d used the microphone well – I will never know! What I do know is the rants that caught my attention and that I thought were best were not necessarily the best users of the microphone and the majority didn’t make the finals.

When you have an opportunity in life it is always best to take it. Don’t throw it. Don’t make a silly stand that everyone else is oblivious to because you feel angry or frustrated. Do the best you can – a winning rant in this case would have been a far more powerful position to leverage!

My battle was the reverse public speaking fear – private speaking! I could address an entire restaurant on a topic off-the-cuff but sit me next to someone I didn’t know… Terror – if they didn’t start the conversation I was screwed. Nervous, anxious, heart racing type stuff.

In the last month I have had a few wins in the speaking stakes.

Winning Speech #1 & #2

On August 25th Ashfield Toastmasters held their Club Table Topics and Humorous Speech Contests.

Drumroll please….
…I won them both! Yeah for me and super yeah because by the night of the contest I wasn’t even sure I’d enter.

Table topics is

impromptu speaking for those who aren’t familiar where you are given the question on the spot and asked to speak for 1-2 minutes.

You have to make 1 minute to be eligible but if you go to 2.5 minutes you are disqualified. The challenge is to come up with a clear, concise, rational and well reasoned response.

The contest question was “If a genie gave you one wish, what would it be and why?”.

This was not a favourite but basically my answer was unlimited wishes because I am a fast starter who tends to jump in and act later. Knowing that quality about myself I know that with one wish I would act and have to address the well thought out consequences later.

This was trumped by my partner the next morning who simply answered – another genie. Of course that is a very reasonable answer because all the genie’s of my childhood fairy tales grant 3 wishes!

The Humorous Speech

I do not consider myself a funny speaker. I can be spontaneously funny in life and enjoy being a clown but a funny speech is a very different beast.

My tendency is to be too serious and pick big, weighty topics – even if addressed from a lighter side – but be continuously funny in a speech…

That is why I drew on my experiences in my first job in science – milking bull ants. The speech was entitled the good the bad and the ugly. It outlined how I came to be milking bull ants when, faced with the question of what I would do for the rest of my life, I answered “save the world from disease’ with all the wisdom of an eighteen year old.

The Good was the potential of the project to synthesize an antibiotic that could knock out Super Bugs.

The Bad the fact the potential antibiotic didn’t just knock out the super nasties but pretty much every bug. Plus the unusual occupational hazard of bull ant stings.

The Ugly the thought of being found face down, jeans around my ankles being stung to death by bull ants. OK a somewhat unusual fear I grant you – but when I had a bull ant in my jeans at work I raced into a room, locked the door, dropped my jeans and got the thing off me – only to realise I had my jeans around my ankles in the bull ant room. If there was one escapee, could there be more.

To me Good, Bad, Ugly is a metaphor for life and how we choose to see it. If we choose to see the funny side and laughter is the best medicine maybe we can save the world from disease after all.

Winning Speech #3

At the Sunshine Coast Internet Marketing Meetup in Maroochydore I delivered a presentation entitled “Living The Nightmare, ah Dream.. DREAM”. It was to assist people in the IM space to avoid the biggest pitfalls that can turn the dream into a nightmare.

Having experienced most of the issues that can arise I felt well qualified to speak. It was well received and there has been some work arising from it which is always an advantage.

Winning Speech #4

On Monday 26th September Toastmasters Area 48 held the Area contest for the humorous speech and table topics.

It is where the Club winners in the area come to compete against each other. I am pleased to say I won the Table Topics and placed second in the Humorous Speech.

The Table Topic “Life is full of challenging moments…” gave me an opportunity to twist the question from challenging moments or a wealth of opportunity.

The winner, Stephen Licciardello, spoke of growing up with his Italian mother and it was a very funny speech. Mothers are obviously great fodder as a Chinese woman told tales of her mother coming to visit!

Stephen and I go on to represent Area 48 in the Division Contest on Friday October 7th – where all the area winners compete for the right to contest the District (basically all of NSW and the highest we can go in this contest).

All up it has been a busy speaking, but fun, month.

My big tip for winning speech contests – don’t take them or yourself too seriously just go in it to have fun.

But what are they afraid of. If that is you – what are you afraid of.

Fear Insights

I’ve had a funny week which included some insights into fear. They started with that question “What are you afraid of?”

The fascinating thing was that once we worked through the “I don’t know” and “if you did know what would it be” stuff… I realised that the thing I was afraid of was what I already had.

I was afraid on the deepest level of being ‘alone’. Alone not lonely – having no one around for support and feeling isolated and alone when big things happen in life. That is something I have already experienced in my life.

Therefore what was I afraid of – that already existed and has already been experienced.

So Focused On Fear

Isn’t what I described above, so often what happens. We become so focused upon the fear that we fail to realise the thing we fear most is actually what we already have.

For example I have heard answers like “I am afraid of not being perfect”. Well one of us are perfect and face judgement about that every day. Most often that judgement is our own against ourselves. As a perfectionist when you speak people are never as harsh about you as you are about yourself.
Not being perfect is where you already are.

If it is bigger about being afraid of letting people down it is a fear on a different level. Again though what happens when someone wants you to and asks you to speak – when you can’t you let them down. Your fear actually creates the very thing you fear.

“I’m too embarrassed” Isn’t it embarrassing to have people work so hard to cajole you, encourage you and support you to speak only to let them down but not giving it a go?

“I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake” Wow imagine that – in mid stride in a speech contest I referred to a life changing smile as – a heartworming smile. It was a funny tongue tied mistake that got a huge laugh. A laugh so great we incorporated it into the speech at the next level of the contest. The greatest mistake we can make in life is not to try.

Fear is Self Centred

Fear is one of those funny things. It isn’t real. It isn’t a tangible object we can move, pick up, put down. Its reality is our imagination and feeling of it.

The things we fear are all about ourselves. How people will react to us based on our own judgement and reaction to ourselves. One aspect of that is that the focus is what people will think of us. What’s ironic is that everyone else is so busy thinking about what people think of them they don’t have time to think about you!

Public speaking unlike fear is not about you. Public speaking is about your audience. Public speaking is about giving not taking. What you get out of it is really dependent on what you give to it.

Next time you’re afraid to stand up – especially new toastmasters at a toastmasters meeting – stop worrying about yourself and think whether you have something to say that the other people in the room could benefit from hearing. If so simply stand up and speak.

What? Well if invited out with people I didn’t know I would have been comfortable addressing the entire restaurant but would die a slow, painful death inside if the person sitting next to me didn’t start the conversation. I had one-on-one shyness not public shyness.

Public Speaking Fears

It isn’t about you!

The fear is internal. The fear is about how you will be perceived, what others will think…

Those fears are all about you and they are actually what you think other will think not what others will actually think.

The answer to mastering that fear then is to take your internal focus and direct it externally. What do I mean by that? I mean focus upon the audience and what you are delivering to them not on yourself.

A Speech is a Performance

A performance is about the audience.

What are you giving your audience. That is part of the reason my speech preparation focusing on the message I wish to deliver helps reduce nerves – it focuses on the audience.

When you go out and do it for them. Be the best you can be for them. Do the best job you can for them. You can forget yourself and therefore forget your fear.

Practice Makes Perfect

It takes practice. Everything worthwhile usually does.

I don’t know a performer that starts at the top, at the pinnacle of their art. I don’t know a performance that isn’t rehearsed. Speaking is no different. People are not born as the best speakers in the world. Like everything there are some who display natural talents or an absence of fear – like me – which can make the path easier. Everyone can learn, can develop skills and their progress in many ways depends on their practice.

That is one of the beautiful things about Toastmasters. It allows us to practice public speaking skills in a supportive environment. We can get feedback on what we do well and what we can improve and then practice those.

Public speaking is a process of continuous improvement.

The more you can focus externally on your audience and the more you can practice the more confident you can be.

Approaches to Speech Preparation

There are a number of approaches you can take to preparing a speech.

Some write their speech out word for word.

Some just list out the main points.

Some weave a story.

The Message of The Speech

My speech preparation centres of the message of the speech.

I begin by determining the purpose of the speech. What is it I hope to achieve? Why am I giving the speech – what message do I want to deliver.

From there I simply determine an introduction, 3 main points and a conclusion.

That approach means I can structure the flow by seeing the progress and transition between each aspect of the speech and how they deliver the message I want to impart.

Remembering a Speech

My technique above which is not about remembering the words but the themes of the speech.

It means I can always remembers my speeches. It also means they are most likely always different! If I was to script a speech word-for-word and memorise it my fear would be forgetting one word and then for being lost for the remainder of the speech.

By remembering an introduction, point a, point b, point c and a conclusion I only ever have to remember the main theme. When those themes make use of my own experience and stories it is easy.

Easy Speaking

I have no desire to be remembered for perfect grammar or amazing word choice. I want to be remembered for having touched people in some way, having made them think differently or feel differently. Therefore I don’t apply pressure to myself to be a perfect speaker. I focus on delivering a message, leveraging my own stories and only need remember the points that enable me to do so.

That is how I make it easy on myself as a speaker to structure a speech, and deliver a speech without notes.

It is too easy to put pressure on ourselves. For many public speaking is already something that invokes fears, anxiety and pressure so make it easy on yourself – find the easiest method of preparation and memory for you.

My focus was on the bigger picture of Toastmasters. Toastmasters providing the communication tools and techniques that empower us to become the confident and effective leader in our life.

That to me is what Toastmasters is.

Toastmasters Where Leaders Are Made

The new branding for Toastmasters places an emphasis on the leadership component. This is an important aspect of the organisation. It has a communication aspect and a leadership aspect.

If we look back at the great leaders through history they are all great communicators.

But I Don’t Want To Be A Leader

My answer to this is we are all the leader in our own life.

If we are parents we are leaders whether we like it or not because children model themselves on their parents.

If you determine the direction and course of your life you are your own leader.

If you interact with people in your daily life you have an impact upon people around you which makes you a leader.

Being a leader doesn’t mean you want to run for a high public office or change the world but that you acknowledge and accept the role you play in changing yours.

Tranferable Skills

The great thing Toastmasters teaches are the skills to be better communicators in our every day lives. The techniques that allow us to deliver our messages clearly and succinctly. The ability to answer questions – even unexpected ones – thinking on our feet and getting straight to the point without ums and ahs.

These are life skills not public speaking skills.

It is confidence. Confidence to speak up when you need to. Confidence to answer questions when asked. Confidence to live and live well.

Public Speaking Inspiration

Speaking to these women inspired me. It reinforced why I like to speak. They were interested and eager to learn. Eager to grow and develop. Being with them made me feel fantastic. Being able to answer their questions and hopefully build their confidence made me feel like I had an important tole to play.

It is a special thing when your own stories can benefit others. If a speech impacts upon one person in a room it can achieve amazing results.

I first met Uncle Mal on a State Music Camp in 1996. I wasn’t a musician! I wasn’t serious about music. I didn’t even take music as a subject and had taken the trombone up as a joke several years before. I felt a little out of place at music camp but my life was touched and changed by this man.

In the Orchestra that year we played Symphony No. Five & a Half. A truly inspired work for school kids because it was so much fun. It was a parody of a symphony. I think that was one of Mal’s success secrets – it didn’t matter what we were doing it was always fun.

Mal inspired me and many school music students to do things we didn’t know we could – through the strength of his belief in us. Playing in Sydney Schools under Mal we performed Mahler – as a trombonist that was incredibly special. He could get groups of school kids to perform music nobody believed they could because he inspired us with the belief we could.

That is a life lesson I took with me from those days. When you want the best out of people – give them your best, believe in them and instil in them the belief they can. Stand back and be amazed!

For me Mal Hewitt was music. I know I’m not alone in celebrating the work of ‘Uncle Mal’ or the tireless efforts he put into the Arts Education Studio, Sydney Schools, the Choral Concerts and teaching. In fact the effort he put into generations of state school musicians.

Part of who I am I owe to playing music under the conductorship of this man.

So many things I did in my teens because I didn’t yet know I couldn’t, shouldn’t, or wouldn’t if I knew enough to be scared!

When I played trombone I did a performance major for my HSC. That year my trombone teacher had other stuff on so I missed almost the entire school year of lessons until just before my exam. None of us thought about it. We didn’t rush out for another teacher I just practiced and did it! That’s what we Faulkners do!

Want to join an orchestra? Just go and audition! Again none of us had ever done anything like that. We weren’t a family of performers, nor did we mix with any. We didn’t know protocol or what some people put themselves through to prepare. Luckily for me I played an instrument that was generally in demand, rather than over supply!

My mum had some art lessons from a great pastel artist so I decided I liked pastels. I started doing them. My dad, God bless, bought me the most expensive pastels and pastel paper. From there I just did. Art shows were entered but again we didn’t really know anything about ‘being artists’. So everything I did (and there wasn’t much of it) was sold in his shop. It wasn’t a big deal. It’s just what we Faulkners did!

These things are funny as an adult. As my world expands and grows I meet people who become yard sticks for my own experiences. There is the person whose grandchild was having special tutoring to get into SBSYO. There is the person whose daughter had ridiculous amounts of acting coaching to audition for NIDA.

The NIDA story is funny for me because I wanted to be an actor (but was always too shy) and my mum’s answer was you just audition for NIDA. I hadn’t even done any acting. had never had an acting class and I would have just rocked up completely unprepared!!

The Faulkner approach is funny. It gets you there without all the fanfare, The funny thing is realising later just what you’ve been lucky enough to experience, to have and to do! Those really were some of the best days of my life – days I would have been too scared to have if I had any idea what I was doing!

That feeling is something I am reconnecting with now. Now that I know better. Now that I know life is full of ‘impossibilities’! Luckily thanks to my family I have a wealth of ‘impossible’ possibilities to remind just what you can do when instead of worrying about it – you just DO IT!

I visited my sister who shouldn’t have still been alive. That day was the last day I saw her and burned into my memory are the green skin and yellow eyes of failing liver and kidneys.

Nick went to the Easter Show with a mate at my insistence. That one act was something my sister had done to me. Yes I pushed him away – not knowing what I’d find or how I’d cope instead of letting him be with me, for me, I sent him off to do something else – to have fun.

Luckily he didn’t hold that against me because God knows I needed him to get home and get through the weekend. After seeing my sister I rang a mate who was being evicted and in the process of moving. My afternoon was spent with him but before I got there I bought several bottles of champagne – including my sister’s favourite.

You see I was trying to remove the image burned into my brain. No amount of alcohol made it go away – that just made me feel worse.

I was embarrassed at how my sister was living. I tried to do what I could but I also felt guilty that I’d let her push me away. See my sister had been through a period of pushing everyone in her life away. I was one of them. There were all the ‘what if’s’ happening in my brain around those awful, awful images.

I can’t imagine what it was like for my dad. his mother had kidney failure for his lifetime and here he was taking his first born child to dialysis 3 times a week. I think the hardest thing about the turn of events in my life is not that Good Friday but the fact we missed the chance to say good bye. My sister had been in hospital for days but her husband didn’t tell us. We would have seen her but she died early that day and we missed the chance.

The next year over the Easter weekend I had documents to sign – documents signing over any right to anything to my brother-in-law. It brought up all the so tender memories and my grief over the death of my sister.

Since then Good Friday has been one of those days. i know over time it will change. I know the more I work to begin new traditions the easier it will be, but for now as we approach the day I feel uncomfortable, anxious and something just doesn’t seem right.

There are so many things to do with Good Friday that changed that day,

I am not the only person who has lost someone or had to cope with the grief of others. One of the hardest things was watching my parents cope with losing their child. So today my thoughts are a bit self-indulgent but also with everyone who has lost someone dear to them. Everyone who finds a holiday hard to cope with because of their own grief.

The fun side of this was the moment I remembered my sister. When she died I was numb. I didn’t know how I felt, or what to feel. At her funeral I suddenly remembered her. I wanted to jump up and scream OMG this is not my sister – I didn’t!

But suddenly I could remember the years with Elton John records, the way we saw the humour in the darkest day. There I was laughing at her funeral because of those memories. The good times, the happy memories, who my sister was before things went bad.

That was hard in itself everyone was saying sorry but in that moment I didn’t feel sorry. In that moment I felt connected. In that moment I loved being with my sister – if only in spirit – for who she was and who she helped make me.

In memory of Sue-Ellen Faulkner 1960 – 2008. My idol as I grew up – my sister 10 years my senior which made her as good as a Goddess to me!